Updated: Mar 8, 2019
My story didn’t start with physical fitness like many of the people I meet. It started with wanting to take control of the (once thought) uncontrollable mind. I read @eckharttolle The Power of Now and shorty after @drwaynedyer There’s a Spritiual Solution to Every Problem, and I was hooked on this theory that we could be the witnesser of our own thoughts and not be consumed by them. I’d recently come out/was coming out of a very emotionally abusive relationship, and I’d felt so much shame in believing I wasn’t good enough for anything, anyone. I believed I’d never be good enough to be loved by someone or be capable of achieving my dreams. I felt lost and low daily. I had a constant lump in my throat from the sheer anxiety of being alive because it was unbearable. I was frightened, ashamed and unbelievably self conscious. Yoga created a space where at first, this self conscious feeling of shame was brought right to the surface. But each time I turned up to the mat, to face the demons and negative stories created in the mind, the feeling became more distant, more disconnected, as I realised I could disengage with this emotion.
Occasionally these feelings of shame, rejection and not feeling worthy come up today, and they have definitely reared their ugly head this past month after feeling like I’ve ‘fallen behind’ due to injury. But I will embrace these feelings with an open mind and arms spread wide. With the experiences from past, I now know that these feelings will not last forever, that they can only consume me if I let them, and that with dedicated work and authentic time, they will pass naturally, like the sweet sound of the birds. We don’t engage, we just listen.
Instead of dwelling on the longing wish to place my hands on the mat, I am today choosing to embrace the freedom of being able to experience pain and detach myself from it.
Today I feel sadness, but I am not sad. And I will sit with this, without persistent trial to push the feeling away or distract myself from it, but to simply experience. Today I write, with real presence and honesty in the hope that what I share may help someone else with their journey.